“Grey divorce” is a term commonly used for older (grey-haired) couples, over fifty years of age, who divorce after long-lasting marriages. The average age for divorce in Canada has been steadily rising over the years. Statistics Canada’s most recent data from 2020, reveals the average age of divorce was 48 years. Over the past thirty years, Canada has seen a rise in grey divorce. Marriage breakdown is never easy, but a divorce of “silver splitters” has its unique set of challenges.

Why is grey divorce increasing?
Several factors come into play:
- People are getting married at a later age, leading to older age divorces.
- There seems to be less of a stigma around divorce, and people are more willing to end their marriage if they are unhappy.
- People are living longer and want to enjoy their “golden years.”
- Their children may have left home and they are empty nesters and feel their relationship has ended as they have drifted apart over the years.
- Arguments over financial issues including retirement plans that are out of sync, or financial infidelity where partners are hiding large purchases.
- Health problems where serious chronic conditions put a strain on the relationship and one partner may be unable to handle the burden of care.
- Baby boomers (born 1946-1964) may have married young, divorced in their 20’s and are statistically more likely to divorce again. Blended family stress may be greater for women.
- Baby boomers have generally more wealth than any other generation in history and can afford to live in separate households.
- Working women may be able to afford to live independently after divorce.
- Women are the applicants in most divorce proceedings, perhaps because they now have a choice and feel they can support themselves.
- As people age, their values and expectations about marriage can change, hence infidelity or the “we’ve grown apart” scenario.
- Many rank happiness higher than honouring the traditional marriage expectation of “til death do us part.”
- More people available to re-partner as there are statistically more unmarried older people. Men are more likely to seek new partners.

Effects of Grey Divorce
Grey divorce can result in a massive financial toll with arguments over pensions and retirement savings. With couples retired, or close to retiring there is less opportunity to earn or save money. Health care costs can also be a major concern in aging couples no longer covered by employment benefit programs for treatments necessary to maintain their health. Moving from a mutual live-in assistance for household, financial, and driving tasks, to living on one’s own, provides greater challenge at an advanced stage in life.

The search for housing can result in mental health effects during this time of adjustment and going forward. Many suffer grief and loss of identity, self-esteem and self-worth. Feelings of inadequacy and rejection can be strong in maneuvering the transition from life as a couple to the social network of being a single person. The housing market may provide fewer options for smaller and less expensive housing options when living alone where social isolation and loneliness are issues. There is often a larger financial toll on women, and most do not remarry.

Legal expenses can take a toll as conflict often arises. Older adults may not be as informed about alternate options to hiring lawyers to dissolve their marriage. Family mediation can play a crucial role in decreasing expenses, saving time, and limiting the emotional stress involved. A mediator can advocate for adult children who are experiencing their own sense of loss and are often forgotten in the process. There is an unspoken expectation that it will not affect them much because they are grown. The “best interests of the children” can seem irrelevant; however, younger adult children fear instability when they are still reliant on their parents for education and living expenses. Older adult children can experience strained resources (emotions, time finances) if one or both parents need help. There may be a role reversal where the children become caretakers providing emotional and financial support for divorcing depressed or ill parents. It may be a strain on their own marriages, disrupt celebrations of births, graduations, weddings, birthdays, and milestone celebrations in life. This can lead to stressful, challenging, or canceled family events, and negative effects on relationships with grandchildren.

Resources for Grey Divorce
I believe in applying the principles of a transformative practice in mediation to support families through separation and divorce, by suggesting books and supports to educate and aid the process. Book recommendations for their adult children include: The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, Impact of Grey Divorce on Adult Children, Attitudes of Marriage and Divorce in Adult Children of Gray Divorce, and Home Will Never be the Same Again: A Guide for Adult Children of Gray Divorce. Support groups, therapy, and counseling can help to process the sadness, anger, fear, and confusion that results from a loss of relationships with family, friends and community, and the bonds with grandchildren.

Remind clients that this can be a time to rebuild careers and cultivate new connections by taking a class, doing volunteer work, and travelling. Provide hope and purpose to encourage moving forward to a new life with new friends, perhaps dating, joining a new church. Seek the advice of legal experts if necessary, and a financial counselor for debt management, budgeting, housing, and retirement planning to understand post-divorce expenses. Encourage self-care with good nutrition, maintaining routines and setting new ones. Manage stress with relaxation techniques through meditation, journalling, exercise, and yoga.

The role we play as empathetic, active listening mediators can make all the difference to older adults during this challenging time in their lives. We can create a positive rapport to encourage communication towards resolution.